The Piggy Pee Diet.

My Ninth Blog. I Swear A Lot And Holly Told Me I Was Fat.

In an earlier blog I mentioned that during one of the Spanish events we attended, a few of the audience members were asked to talk about their amazing weight loss from a particular diet programme. They were all asked to stand up from their seats to a round of applause and if they had lost a huge amount of weight, they were invited to the front of the room to share their story and show off their lovely shrunken new figures to the audience.

They shared their before and after photos via a huge projector, so we as the audience saw a huge wall of bikinis, bellies and bouncing boobs. Mostly they were German members and by nature they aren't a shy race and as such I'm pretty sure the country has a low rate of body dysmorphia.

The members talked through their detox journey of 28 or more days in excessive amounts of detail from what they ate for breakfast lunch and dinner to what exercise they did snd what body moisturiser they used on their skin post shower. We all managed a half smile while listening to how they made 'carb free bread' and what they put in their shakes blah blah blah...

Everyone looked wonderful though and so much better than their before pictures as they were all big smiles, tight skin, clear eyes and shiny hair. Even their teeth looked bigger, whiter and brighter.

It was genuinely lovely to see all of these super happy people with their big grins, wearing their newly purchased skinny clothes and finally out of their kaftans, big scarves, ponchos and Crocs.

I'm not a sceptic per say but I am a realist, so that's why it was so nice to see the actual real deal of the post diet effects from these members. They all looked amazing, not just slimmer but actually AMAZING!!!!

The 'new diet lot' as I nick named them, were mingling with other happy clappy people and their slimmer younger looking selves. They were all recalling how miserable and unhealthy they had been before and it was actually quite emotional for some of these members as they had really been very poorly. Some in really dire situations struggling with health issues and physically not well at all.

Have you seen the film Cocoon? Say no more.

As we all sat in the huge room, watching and listening intently to all the emotional stories, because only the most tear jerking ones made it ti the stage...Holly looked at me and said "You need to do this diet" "You're fat now and it'll be good for your business"

I was a lot more than slightly taken aback. I was shocked. What I didn't say, but did think was ..."Well you look fucking old and wrinkly and should double drop some of those miracle skin tablets asap"

I didn't though....

However deep down in my gut I knew she was right and I had actually put a lot of weight on! No bloody wonder, I was drinking wine daily, cyber chatting and sofa surfing with online trolls, midgets and serial daters for the last few years and wake up and eat jam on crumpets.

I was definitely 'chunky'.

The Diet.

Once I was back in the UK I ordered my products for the diet, bought in the food I had to eat and had a serious chat to myself about not drinking for the next 28 days. The food consumption side was very strict there were no fats allowed, no dairy, no sugars, no carbs and no alcohol, basically fuck all except roast vegetables and white fish...but saying that mint sauce and fat free natural yoghurt soon became my new best friend.

I also had to take a lot of vitamins and supplements for energy and to prevent any muscle loss but more than anything I had to drink tons of water to cleanse my system and help my liver.

Replacing wine with water was going to be tough and not something I was really looking forward to. It had been a comfort to me for so long. I felt like Tom Hanks letting go of Wilsoooooooooon.

I was still quite new to the company and was starting to slowly learn more about the products and all the benefits of Trace Elements, Vitamins and Minerals, Omega's, Protein and Fibre, I was loving it! It was fascinating to know what our bodies needed daily to function correctly and that actually no one on the planet was truly getting what they required by buying food from the supermarkets.

I realised I bought my lunch from a salad bar that was grown in chemicals, sprayed with chemicals, stored in freezers, packed in plastic bags and sprayed again with more chemicals. Fruit and vegetables have travelled thousands of miles for months on end, country to country to be placed on a supermarket shelf for us to buy and consume in our homes and call it a 'healthy salad'. Where does it say all this? It doesn't....so now I buy the ugly fruit. The ones with dirt on, the dented ones, the ones I feel sorry for because no-one else will buy the ugly fruit. Or I go to my local farm shop...

There was one last product to order for the diet and it wasn't from the company I was working with, it was from a homeopathic manufacturer in Ireland and it was called HCG. Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, a hormone found in Pregnant women and some animals pee. Hence peeing on a pregnancy test stick.

However, the bottle of homeopathic drops we were advised to order didn't contain the human version but the pig one.Yes that's right and 'obviously' we as a team very quickly nicknamed them 'piggy piss' drops.

Can you imagine the shit storm that created later down the line. It was epic...I panicked for a little while thinking pig farmers and tree huggers would hate me for promoting animal cruelty or some weird cult programme. It didn't last long.

I started the diet anyway...sod it and I was full of excitement to get going. Honestly I was. Looking at my belly rolls while dragging my wellies off every day after a dog walk was really pissing me off, I was used to being 56 kilos, having a concave belly and 34B breasts..not a looking like a three tier cake.

The first two days of the programme were called 'loading' days and you had to eat 4000 calories for each of the two days. Good fats only, such as avocado's and salmon but that's quite hard so most people find it easier to hit the fast food chains, chip shops, eat toast and crumpets smothered with butter, drink as much beer or wine as possible and grab a spoon for a Haargen Dazs tub or two. It sounds yummy but it was actually hard work especially day two of loading as you really felt sick and bloated most of the time and often slightly depressed. I have no idea how people eat fast food every day all week long...you feel like shit!

Now the piggy piss drops are to be taken three times a day before food and for the whole duration of the diet, they have a lot of homeopathic scientific blurb but the basics are they support the release of bad fats only and not muscle.

The first day of the diet I was all prepared with my foods but not the weigh in. It had been a while.

The scales were at 69 kilos and my aim was 58. A whole 11 kilos in a month...that's 22lbs of bad fat gone.

Every morning I jumped on the scales at the same time and had unbelievably actually lost weight...I felt much better, my energy levels were through the roof, my jeans got looser, I could finally see my toes in the shower, my skin was silky smooth again and the piggy piss drops didn't cause more hairs to grow on my chinny chin chin just the same amount.

I finally got into my skinny jeans again, tried an old bikini on and dusted off my favourite heels to wear. Took them all off because I wasn't going on holiday and had nowhere to go to wear my heels. I still didn't have a life....but hey one thing at a time.

Target Weight Smashed.

I hit the target of 58 kilos within 25 days and had a few days to spare so I carried on with the programme and just added a few more calories to my meals each day. I was super happy, it was so easy and I wasn't hungry once, except I did miss wine. A lot. I hadn't seen Aki my local shop keeper in a month he must have missed seeing me too as I was there every day. I still remember now the bell sounding as I walked in the shop door.

Each day I posted my weight loss pictures just of my feet on the scales, showing the numbers reducing, my meals and even the loading two days meals on Fake book and had a huge response. Massive.

I didn't mention the drops at this point as thought it best not to...just yet. It was bad enough that 'apparently' Slim Fast Barry had been arrested while dressed as Santa in a shopping centre for sexual harassment....and here I was peddling weight loss vitamins by touting piggy piss drops plus eating two tubs of ice cream for two days solid. Had I gone mad? My family definitely thought so. In fact my brother decided to drink salt water as a diet instead.

Fake Book.

A few weeks later I am at home upstairs in the office and my laptop pinged a message.

It was Jane. Remember Jane, my friend from junior school who was kind to me when I arrived from Africa with no shoes and Zola Budd feet? I actually did see her quite often when she was out walking her gorgeous dog with her husband, except we didn't really speak as it had been such a long time since school, so we nodded at each other the way dog walkers do and smiled.

To be honest she was soooo tall and glamorous and I was just the opposite, I'm small, I was always walking my two huge hairy dogs in some form of high viz yellow workwear coat that I had been given by a client, wearing my muddy wellies, bobble hat and normally swinging at least two bags of stinking dog shit the size of cowpats looking for a bin.

Her message was a short and quick one and said she was interested in the diet from my Fake Book posts and could I call her and then she left her number. Very simple and quick.

I was really happy as it had been years since we had spoken and it would just be nice to meet for a drink and see how her and her lovely family were doing after all these years.

So I replied and we did.

Disclaimer 1. 'This blog contains discriminatory content which some may find offensive'

Disclaimer 2. “This is a work of creative non-fiction. All of the events in this memoir are true to the best of the author’s memory. Some names and identifying features have been changed to protect the identity of certain parties. The author in no way represents any company, corporation, or brand, mentioned herein. The views expressed in this memoir are solely those of the author.”